I've made a choice and I'm beginning to see that I do that a lot and it's always this or that. But anyways I've made a choice. I'm going to pursue my happiness, I can't worry about anyone elses anymore. I need to live my life for me and up until now I thought I had been but in truth I was trying to make everyone else happy even if it wasn't what I wanted. I choose to be happy. I choose to pursue that happiness and not settle for anything less that what makes me happy. I choose to smile and laugh. I choose.....I choose to be me. Not that I wasn't being me before, just that to truly be myself I have to be true to my heart. A friend helped me to realize that, He can be a jerk and he claims that being a jerk is all he does but it's not true. He's a nice guy. I like him a lot and I really wanted to thank him for helping me through this hard time. He gave me the strength to be me and to do what has to be done. So this choice I've made, I have to stick by it and I can't have any second thoughts.

Another thing I've decided is to try and avoid the problems of others, even if they follow me around every corner. I'll still be there for my friends but to be honest, I don't want to pile the problems of others on top of the ones I have myself. I like to help everyone but if I keep this up, if I keep putting you all first and being you're "counselor" for lack of better words, I'll just regret it. If you need my help then fine, but if it's something that you're not willing to change no matter how much you hate it and no matter what I say you'll still let it keep happening..........then don't bother me. If you want a change you have to take measures to induce those changes.

For instance:

A girl likes a boy and she doesn't want to be without him, the boy in turn goes out with his friends and gets smashed and pays no attention to the girl. The girl gets upset and calls me up, tells me of this and how he doesn't want her the way he used to and he's always with his exes, and she feels like she means nothing. My response, talk to him about it, let him know how you feel. The girl takes my advice and does, he listens but does it all again shortly after. She calls me again same story, I tell her this time, then he obviously doesn't care for you the way he used to and you need to get out of the relationship. The girl agrees and we part ways. Same thing same call, I say I thought you left him I thought you were going to move on. She agrees.

This is a person who's too afraid of being alone to do anything about it. She knows what she needs to do, she knows what she wants, but she thinks someone else needs to save her from her own situation. Wanna know how I'd save her? I'd show her the true him, the one who can't smooth talk his way into her heart. But I'd lose a friend in the process. So I do the next best thing.......take her away from it. She'll go back to him, but she might realize there's better. I can't help those who don't want to help themselves. 

I know that you have someone you love, or at least I hope you love her. I know that we've parted ways and I've made my choice. But where have you gone? Why don't you send me messages anymore? Why don't you send me those sweet text messages? Why don't you write me e-mails to make me smile anymore? Why don't you comment like you used to? I know I can't see your face but in your pictures but you're never on to message and show you mine. I feel like I'm lost now. You were the glue that held me together. So where have you gone?

Have you forgotten me? Have you chose to just walk away? Did I do something to make you hate me? I understand if you have, but don't you think your could have the decency to tell me? You never used to be like that. You were blunt and up front. Now you're hiding from the truth and can't grow the back bone to tell me. Or maybe it's that you can't tell me because you think I won't understand or I won't be able to return it. Don't be so scared. 

I feel horrible, I feel as though I've betrayed the world and sacrificed them all to an uncaring god. I'm not saying that God doesn't care I was more refering to egyptian gods etc. But anyways back to what I was saying. I hate myself. I feel like I've created some unforgivable mortal sin. I want to cry. I want to run into the bathroom lock the door start the water running and just bawl. No one would be any the wiser!!! *Starts crying* I can't mention what I've done because it might be discovered. If it were to be discovered than he'd hate me. He'd truly madly hate me!

*Calming down now*

I realize that this was a little vague on what had happened and it's hard to help but in truth I just wanted to get it out. I felt bad for something I did. Looking back I knew I shouldn't have but it was that lure of the dark side. It's not an excuse and it doesn't make it better, but...sometimes, you just do, and then you'll regret but it's better to do something and regret it than to regret something you haven't done. 

OMFG!!! Tokyo Broadcast Company is on a rampage. They're like camping out www.youtube.com looking for videos that have any HANADAN material. I can understand the episodes being deleted but for the fanmade music videos to be deleted it's just rediculous! Even if you give them credit for the characters and the show they still complain about it! It's veing overdone!!! They should be flattered that there are so many fans!!! Oh well maybe I'll try to post it on flapdaddy instead. Well that's the ramble of today.

Oh and happy valentine's day everyone!!!